Take Two Verses and Call Me in the Morning
If my life is going to clearly reflect the image of God to people in darkness around me, I am going to have to learn how to rest.
-Anna Hampton
We had taken our three young children to a remote part of the United States called the Boundary Water Canoe Area (BWCA). No motorized watercraft are allowed in this area. We set up camp by the side of one of the numerous lakes, and took our children out in our canoe.
They were still young enough to think it fun to be pulled on a air tube behind the canoe. Our oldest, Luke (8), went first. He loved it, and his enjoyment encouraged our middle child (6), to want to jump in the water and give it a try. However, she hesitated, her anxiety consuming her.
I saw her anxiety, and I sternly told her, "Darlin', water and panicking don't mix." And her immediate response which made us all laugh:
"I wish panicking would help!" It's become a favorite family axiom. She managed to control her anxiety and enjoy being pulled on the inner tube behind the canoe.
For a lot of reasons, she has fought extreme anxiety her whole life, beginning from 4 months in-utero. (Scientists who are only now "discovering" that the conditions of in-utero impact a person should talk to me).
The week of 9/11 was a hellish week for us, and my pregnancy was deeply impacted. The stress during that pregnancy meant my daughter never had enough amniotic fluid, and she was born at week 38 at only 4 lbs 4 oz. She was so tiny she literally slipped out of my body and was rushed to NICU for the next 6 hours.
She struggled with anxiety, deep anxiety, and panic attacks through all her formative years, until finally she began to experience victory over anxiety (minimally the ability to not go into panic) at age 13.
My own experience of anxiety was generally undefined - we didn't talk about it much, because we all struggled with anxiety and fear while living for months and years on end with the threats of kidnapping and murder amongst many other threats. But in 2010, when going through spiritual healing counseling, I discovered the name for what I had been controlling using a variety of tools extensively over a long period of time: Panic Attacks. I began to incorporate additional vocabulary and understanding of anxiety and could better describe it.
Anxiety is a normal human response when in situations of physical danger to oneself or one's loved one. Contrary to most of the Church's teaching and Christian songs about fear (Risk Myth #14), fear is a normal human response, designed by God to let us know when we are in danger. The challenge is always what to do with the fear. I’ve written extensively about this in the 2nd book of my 3-book series, “Facing Fear: The Journey to Mature Courage in Risk and Persecution.”
Anxiety is on the fear spectrum.
Anxiety, when unchecked, moves into panic attacks.
I've parented a daughter through anxiety and I've experienced my own deep level of anxiety, so I feel somewhat of a personal expert on experiencing this, parenting through it, and daily conquering it. It doesn't mean I never experience it - again, it is a normal human emotion that comes to us.
The issue is what we do with it.
Naturally, over the years, I've tried to find helpful teaching from books on this topic, from people who actually know what it is like to work through fear in extreme threatening situations, not just pompously expounded spiritualizations on it.
I really appreciated Robert Kellemen's book, Anxiety: Anatomy and Cure. He demonstrates a remarkable depth of insight in what is possibly his shortest book.
Here's part of his intro:
Here's the stereotype: I hope you haven't faced it. You share with a friend, counselor, or pastor that you're struggling with worry, fear, or anxiety. Their response?
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Phil 4:6.
In that scenarios, it's not even "take two verses and call me in the morning." It's "take one verse and don't call me." We need a much more robust, relational approach to changing lives with Christ's changeless truth. What would it look like in real life?
Paul, who wrote Philippians 4:6, also said, "We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us (I Thess 2:8).
God calls us to share Scripture and soul - truth and love. Facing and fighting anxiety is a relational discipleship process, not an exhortational event. (emphasis mine)
I love what Kelleman teaches here - a conceptual, exhortational response is not what is needed, but that seems to be all the Church offers to those facing real anxiety.
What would it look like to relationally (and situationally) walk with someone facing anxiety in a way that is soul strengthening to them?
Some coaching questions come to mind:
What would it look like to trust God in this situation?
Are you aware of your breathing when you feel the feeling of anxiety?
What does God have for you in this situation?
What does spiritual strength look like in this situation?
What does psychological strength look like in this situation?
What has helped you in the past when you felt this?
What habits are you cultivating to help you in times of anxiety?
The main point is to not spiritualize and give 1-2 verses and leave a person alone. It takes time, energy, and compassion to walk with someone experiencing anxiety.
It takes personal discipline to not "tell" them what they should think, feel, or do. Don't do this!
They already know His truth.
The challenge is they need to experience His Truth in their lives when Anxiety hits. If we can be safe people to let people work through their anxiety, they will deepen their trust in Him.
Of course, regular debriefings help too.
….On the hunt for Mature Courage.
