Stages of Differentiation
Facing and fighting fear is a relational discipleship process, not a conceptional, exhortational event. Please stop handing out fear verses like candy.
-Anna Hampton
Two significant and major life experiences have led me on the path of personal differentiation. One of these is experiencing high risk over years. The day in and day out pressure of holding to certain convictions under severe pressure led me to see the lack of differentiation in myself and begin wondering what I was missing.
I longed to understand a different way, both in my internal world and in my response to my external relationships. My family systems class in grad school gave me some background on this, but it wasn't until Scazzero explained it in a different way in his book, "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" that I understood the journey I needed to be on and what my end goal actually looked like. (1)
I find it fascinating to discover in researching for this article that Scazzero re-released his book in 2017 and changed his subtitle. He originally published it as:
Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: Unleash the Power of Authentic Life in Christ
but changed it to
Because I'm seen as a cross-cultural risk expert, leaders often ask me, "How can I tell who to send into high risk?" I still am not sure there are clear-cut answers, but in addition to discerning spiritual maturity (see also Facing Danger, 2nd Ed), the scale of differentiation may also give candidate committees and member care folks ideas of questions to ask potential staff.
A significant part of the process of becoming our true selves is the process of Differentiation.(2)
Differentiation:
Def 1 - a person's capacity to define his or her own life's goals and values apart from the pressures of those around them.
Def 2 - differentiation involves the ability to hold on to who you are and who you are not. The degree to which you are able to affirm your distinct values and goals apart from the pressures around you (separateness) while remaining close to people important to you (togetherness) helps determine your level of differentiation.
A highly differentiated individual says,
I may not agree with you or you with me. Yet I can remain in relationship with you. I don't have to detach from you, reject you, avoid you, or criticize you to validate myself. I can be myself apart from you.
For individuals who are not used to this, whose established patterns of behavior require conformity to a status quo that is not differentiated, this is a startling but supremely helpful picture. The idea that Jesus Christ was 100 percent self-differentiated gives us a new way to consider how He acted and thought in relationship to the Father.
Scazzero reveals that he re-worked Bowen's differentiation scale, and asks his readers to consider where they are in differentiation. Few operate at the 4th level.
Level 1: 0-25 (p.82)
Can't distinguish between fact and feeling
Emotionally needy and highly reactive to others
Much of life energy spent in winning the approval of others
Little energy for goal-directed activities
Can't say, "I think...I believe..."
Little emotional separation from their families
Dependent marital relationships
Do very poorly in transitions, crises, and life adjustments
Unable to see where they end and others begin
Level 2: 25-50 (p.82-83)
Some ability to distinguish between fact and feeling
Most of self is a "false self" and reflected from others
When anxiety is low, they function relatively well
Quick to imitate others and change themselves to gain acceptance from others
Often talk one set of principles/beliefs yet do another
Self-esteem soars with compliments or is crushed by criticism
Become anxious (i.e. highly reactive and "freaking out") when a relationship system falls apart or becomes unbalanced
Often makes poor decisions due to their inability to think clearly under stress
Seek power, honor, knowledge, and love from others to clothe their false selves.
Level 3: 50-75 (p. 83-84)
Aware of thinking and feeling functions that work as a team
Reasonable level of "true self"
Can follow life goals that are determined from within
Can state beliefs calmly without putting others down
Marriage is a functioning partnership where intimacy can be enjoyed without losing the self
Can allow children to progress through developmental phases into adult autonomy
Function well - alone or with others
Able to cope with crises without falling apart
Stay in relational connection with others without insisting they see the world the same
Level 4: 75-100 (p. 83-84)
Is principle oriented and goal directed - secure in who they are unaffected by criticism or praise
Is able to leave family or origin and become and inner-directed separate adult
Sure of their beliefs but not dogmatic or closed in their thinking
Can hear and evaluate beliefs of others, discarding old beliefs in favor of new ones
Can listen without reacting and communicate without antagonizing others
Can respect others without having to change them
Aware of dependence on others and responsibility for others
Free to enjoy life and play
Able to maintain a non-anxious presence in the midst of stress and pressure
Able to take responsibility for their own destiny and life.
Understanding our true self and what is happening internally is an important factor in resiliency in living in high risk. We need to understand how external stressors are impacting our internal emotional life in able to sort through how we are processing reality.
See Also:
Emotionally Immature People in Risk
How to Respond to Emotionally Immature People in Risk
(1) Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: It's Impossible to be Spiritually Mature While Remaining Emotionally Immature, Peter Scazzero.
The majority of this blog post is directly quoting from his book, chapter 4, "Know Yourself that You May Know God."
(2) Developed by Murray Bowen, the founder of modern family systems theory.
